Coming to Terms with Sexual Preference
Posted by Tim Savage on March 29, 2011
“A warm dawn awaits after every cold night.”
We’ve all been there. It’s the difficult, transitional point in your life when you begin to realize that you’re a little different from those around you. You may have thoughts and urges that contradict the values and beliefs you were taught as a child. Everything you think and feel seems so radically different from what it “should be.”
But are you gay? What is “gay,” anyway? You’ve tried to force yourself to be interested in girls, and you’re just not feeling it. You’ve tried to go out for sports or connect with male friends your age, and it simply isn’t working. And while all the boys you grew up with are talking about who they’re taking to the school dance, what girls they think are pretty, and who they’re going to ask out, you instead are fantasizing about the hot, young male celeb you saw on T.V. last night…. or even that masculine, charismatic athlete you sit next to in history class. It feels so wrong, but you just can’t control it.
What you are feeling is not wrong. It’s part of growing up, and everyone grows up differently. You are coming of age, and have reached an important milestone of youth — sexual self-identification. Not everyone is gay, obviously… in fact, most people are not. You probably feel like life would be much easier if you could go out, find a girlfriend, and connect on a heterosexual level with those around you. The truth, however, is that you are going to be miserable if you try to live a lifestyle that completely repels you. You are who you are, so be true to yourself. Going forward in life as a gay teenager isn’t the easiest lifestyle choice out there, but it’s also probably not the absolute social suicide you may think it’s going to be.
My Own Story
You may think at this point that I’m some snooty, college egghead with too much time on his hands. You may think, “he doesn’t know what I’m going through,” or “why should I listen to him?” You couldn’t be more wrong.
I was raised in probably the least friendly environment for gay youth imaginable. Growing up and coming of age in the early and mid-1990′s, few resources existed for gay teens aside from IRC chat and America Online. To top it all off, I lived in a rural southwest Oklahoma farm town that literally had more cows than people. Everything I learned about being gay came about via trial and error. There were no gay support blogs like this one, no gay youth groups or school organizations, and — to my knowledge — not very many other gay men in town but myself.
It was around the age of thirteen, through IRC and America Online, that I began to connect with gay “friends.” In truth, most of these “friends” had one topic on the brain — sex. I began my life as a gay teen connecting sex with friendship, a mistake I see young men continuing to make to this day. It’s a dangerous, self-destructive mindset.
At that same age, I came flying out of the closet like a bat out of hell. It was late one night during the summer, and I was… well… I’ll just come out and say it: I was having phone sex with one of the “friends” I had met online. Hot and heavy into the conversation, I was completely unaware that my mom had picked up the telephone and was listening to every word my friend and I exchanged. After a few minutes, I heard my mother utter a phrase I’ll never forget: “Tim, we need to talk.”
There were tears of anger, disappointment, and shame shared by both of us. Shockingly, though, the incident was forgotten almost immediately. My only punishment was the cancellation of our Internet service. Oh well, right?
The incident stayed between my mother, father, and myself. But over the course of the next couple years… perhaps feeling I had somehow disappointed my parents… I started dating girls. I started hanging out with the “cool” kids, going to parties, and getting into the kind of trouble that only a country boy can get into. I lived an active social life as a straight guy.
Yet, I was miserable. I was depressed. With so many years ahead of me, my life had already hit rock bottom. I was living a lie, and felt that I had nowhere to turn but drugs and alcohol. I knew at that point that I was gay, but was too frightened to admit to it.
It was only after a 30-day stint in drug rehab that I finally came to terms with my true identity and began to rebuild my shattered life. I came out of the closet immediately upon leaving treatment, and have never looked back.
Sure, I lost some friends along the way. There are small-minded people in this world that don’t want to be associated with a gay man, no matter how much of a friend he had been before coming out of the closet. I lost contact with a few family members, as well.
But my candid admission also opened new doors. I began making new gay friends. My relationship with my parents improved. I had a new life, and was being true to myself.
Fear of Rejection
So, what’s YOUR story? What brings you to a gay youth support blog?
My guess is, you already suspect that you are sexually “different” — somehow. You may know that you are attracted to other guys, or you may have already experimented with other guys. It probably feels “right” to you, but you may be scared to embrace a lifestyle that everyone around you portrays as obnoxious, flamboyant, and immoral. You may be fearful of being called a pervert or being labeled an outcast. And despite all your feelings, you may be searching for someone to tell you that what’s happening to you is “just a phase.”
“You’re not gay at all.” That may be what you’re wanting to hear.
The truth is, just about every teenager out there experiences feelings for both sexes at some point growing up. It’s natural curiosity. I’m not a psychologist, though. My last psych class was years ago, and I don’t even remember if I made a passing grade in it. I can only speak from experience.
Don’t label yourself as gay too prematurely. Unfortunately, “coming out of the closet” is just one of those things that’s going to stick with you for the rest of your life. If you’ve never had a gay thought in your life until today, don’t freak out. Give it some time.
For the sake of this post, though, we’ll assume you’re a little further along than that. You’ve been having same-sex thoughts and feelings for a while. You’ve explored your curiosity online through gay porn, or even a gay dating Web site. You no longer have thoughts or feelings for girls… if you ever did to begin with. You have an idea where you are headed sexually, but the thought of being gay may be causing you a number of stresses.
You’re probably most frightened of being rejected by the people most important to you. Feelings of shame and the fear of disappointing others are natural emotions that you’re going to experience as you come to terms with your sexual identity.
Depending on your age and overall relationship with your family, one your primary fears may be rejection by your parents if you tell them you’re gay. The fact of the matter is that this is a very touchy subject. Your fears may be completely rational, or completely irrational, depending on your family’s beliefs and values, and your age.
If you are under the age of eighteen, you are most likely dependent on your parents for life’s necessities: food, shelter, clothing, money, and the like. If your parents are conservative, narrow-minded, abusive, or controlling, you may feel that you have no choice but to keep your sexual identity a secret. That’s your choice, and only you can determine whether or not is is the RIGHT choice.
An important point to make is something that you might not want to hear. Parents are not stupid. No matter how uninvolved your folks may seem, odds are pretty high that they are picking up details about your lifestyle from your mannerisms, choice of friends, entertainment preferences, preferred activities, conversations, Web use, et cetera. I personally believe that in a huge majority of cases, few parents are actually “shocked” when their kid comes out of the closet.
Nobody but you can dictate how you need to deal with your family. Perhaps the most important thing to remember, if you’re still living at home, is that you need to walk a fine line between self-identity and self-preservation. A harsh, but realistic way of looking at this is as follows. If you’re nineteen, come out of the closet, and your parents freak out, you can always go get a job and an apartment to get away. If you’re fourteen, come out of the closet, and your parents freak out, you may end up in weekly therapy, boarding school, or living with distant relatives in a different state.
Make decisions that will allow you to be true to yourself, but don’t do anything that will jeopardize your living situation or family harmony.
Another completely rational fear you may be experiencing is rejection by your friends.
If you’re a normal teenager, you probably have neighbors and classmates with whom you hang out, chill, and spend time. They’re an important part of your life. But, your relationships with them are probably based on the premise that you’re just a normal guy.
What happens if they find out?
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that an active social life goes along with being young. You may be afraid that identifying yourself as gay will tear apart your circle of friends and leave you all alone.
As you get older, you will learn some important lessons about friends and friendships… and perhaps it’s helpful to point out a couple of them now.
People come and go from your life. If you become friends with someone that you work with, and then change jobs, you will probably lose touch with that person. Why? When you worked together, you had something in common: your employer. When you switched jobs, you lost that commonality, and unless the two of you have shared interests in other things, you’re both likely to move forward in life without each other.
Likewise, when you go to college, you’ll lose touch with some of the people you spent a lot of time with in high school. Why? When you were in high school, you always had one thing in common: school. Once that part of your life is over, you may realize that you never had much else in common besides that. You’ll move on, as will they.
So all fictional examples aside, look at the friends you have in your life right now. What do you have in common with them? Is your friendship based a false image that they have of you? Do they consider you to be a “normal” heterosexual guy like they are? Once you identify yourself as gay and adopt an alternate lifestyle, how much will you REALLY have in common with your current friends?
The truth is, some friends will stick with you. You may have shared interests in T.V., music, sports, or art, that hold together your bond. Some will vanish, and when they do, you’ll come to the realization that you never had all that much in common to begin with.
Remember this: when you change jobs or go to college, you will lose old friends, but you are also opening doors to new social circles where you will meet new ones. The same principle applies to identifying yourself as gay. You’ll meet new people and develop new friendships based on your new identity.
People come and go from your life as your life changes. That’s just a fact.
Coming Out
At some point in your youth, you’ll probably come to the decision that your need for acceptance outweighs any fears of rejection or retribution. Your desire to be true to your own sexual identity will become more of a priority than keeping up appearances. You’ll start thinking about “coming out.”
As a gay teen, you may be asking a few questions as they relate to coming out. The best way to approach them is by adopting a “need-to-know” mindset.
- Who needs to know?
- When do they need to know?
- How much do they need to know?
If you are a teenager, the people with the greatest need to know are those directly responsible for your life, health, and safety. This will probably be your parents, but could also include other close family members such as older siblings or grandparents.
Of course, if the only thing you’re guilty of is THINKING GAY, does anyone really need to know AT ALL? If you’re thoughts or feelings are so intense that they are causing you mental distress, then yes. If the worst that’s happening is you feeling confused to the point of looking up a gay youth support blog on the Internet, then the answer is probably no.
Bear in mind, “being gay” is a SEXUAL preference. When you tell people you are gay, they are probably going to be listening to you in a SEXUAL context. Most people are not going to be thinking about dinner parties and techno music, they’re going to be thinking about HIV/AIDS and same-sex intercourse. That being said, if you are thirteen and the worst thing you’ve ever done is look at a gay Web site, why on Earth would you want Mom and Dad thinking that you’re actively pursuing sexual relationships? If you’re sixteen and on the verge of dating another guy, it’s a different story.
You should only “come out” when it actually serves a purpose. When is that? It’s the point at which your sexual preference evolves from thought to action. It’s the point at which you begin exploring your sexual preference in the real world as opposed to just thinking about it.
Those responsible for your well-being need to know who you are dating, where you are going, and what you are doing. You may think that you have a right to absolute privacy, but you don’t… especially if you are under eighteen. If you come up missing, nobody will know where to look for you if you’ve lied about your whereabouts. You’ve got to consider your safety over any embarrassment you may have about what you are doing.
When you finally come out, do it gracefully. Have some tact. There’s no reason to tell your parents your deepest, darkest, kinkiest thoughts. Momma don’t want to know that you’ve been looking at nude photos of Zac Efron.
I personally feel that the best way to “come out” to anyone is with a simple, two-word admission.
“I’m gay.”
That’s all anyone needs to know to start out. Questions will follow. Be truthful. Educate those that you come out to, and answer their questions. Don’t bombard people with useless information that would only serve to alarm or concern them. Lay down the facts and move on.
Going Forward
Once you’ve come out, you will find that your life has taken a new direction full of new opportunities. Approach your new life with excitement, but don’t go overboard. Be smart, be cool, and be safe.
You’re going to want to meet new people, and perhaps someone special. That’s perfectly normal.
Just remember, the most meaningful relationships you can have as a gay youth are close friendships. People to support you… people with whom you can share joys, fears, jokes, and tears.
Create a circle of close friends. Don’t create a circle of “sex buddies.”
Growing up, too many young gay guys make the mistake of wanting to have sex with every hottie they meet. I certainly did. And from my experience I can tell you that it’s no fun to wake up one day and suddenly realize that you have more exes than friends.
It’s important to recognize that some cute guys are better kept as friends, and that your perfect match may not be the physical god that you are picturing in your head. How can you tell who’s who, what guys have romantic potential and what ones do not? Take your time.
With everyone you meet, spend some quality time getting to know them. Pretty soon, you’ll have developed a circle of friends with whom you share common interests. Ideally, you could connect with your eventual Mr. Right through a group of friends… or by allowing a close friendship to blossom into something more. By taking your time with people, and pursuing romantic relationships with those share common interests, you’re giving any romance the highest possibility for success.
Context is also crucial when it comes to meeting not only romantic partners, but also friends. Obviously, the easiest route to connect with other gay men is via the Internet. But what are you really getting?
When you use Web sites such as Manhunt, Adam4Adam, or Craigslist to meet people, you’re likely to be meeting people in the context of ‘looking for sex’. Even if you connect with a guy on other levels, your first impressions of each other will always be tied to the place where you initially met: a hookup site.
Although I must admit that I’ve certainly met good friends online over the years, the fact remains that the quality of people you meet is generally tied to the place where you meet them. You don’t go to a bar expecting to meet someone who doesn’t drink. Likewise, you don’t go to a gay hookup site expecting to meet someone who wants more than sex. Just a simple truth.
Try to get involved with local gay youth groups. Get involved with school organizations. Visit your local LGBT center, gay coffee shop or bookstore. If you live somewhere that doesn’t offer those very progressive, very urban amenities, go online… but be smart about it.
Moderated gay teen chat rooms exist for the sole purpose of allowing gay youth to connect on a non-sexual level. E-mail lists, Facebook groups, and message boards are also a good way to meet friends.
Having other gay friends is an important step on your road to sexual self-identification. Don’t discount the support that can be provided by your family or existing friends, though. Those that were in your life before you “came out” can provide you with a balanced, honest perspective on your life. They can give you unbiased advice, and will be able to recognize if you’re engaging in self-destructive behavior based on having known you before your “great transformation.”
Don’t leave behind those that stuck with you through all the darkness.
A warm dawn waits after every cold night. As much as it seems that darkness surrounds you now, there is light at the end of the road. It gets better. If you press forward, walking your path carefully with good friends at your side, you will soon arrive at the dawn of a new day.
